允许错轨
Learning to Derail

今日和一位新朋友聊天：她爸妈是中国式窒息家长；小学是女明星，但初高中没有任何朋友的落差；大学不喜欢专业、不能接受自己不出色etc. 很可怜的女孩。这种痛苦我真的见了好多啊。

Today I chatted with a new friend: her parents are the suffocating Chinese-style parents; she was a star student in elementary school but experienced the stark contrast of having no friends in middle and high school; in university she dislikes her major and can't accept not being outstanding, etc. Such a pitiful girl. I've seen this kind of pain so many times.

她说，她要的就是成功，普通小事，比如吃到好吃的，已很难让她开心——她想要把"失去的都拿回来"。可她不自洽、很焦虑：因为申请转校到海外所以晚了一届上学、转专业总觉得自己"没有时间了""比别人落后一大截"……

She says all she wants is success, and ordinary pleasures, like enjoying good food, can no longer make her happy—she wants to "take back everything she's lost." But she's inconsistent and anxious: because she applied to transfer overseas, she's a year behind in school, and changing majors makes her feel like she's "running out of time" and "far behind others"...

我的心非常抗拒这种典型东亚价值观——Why？因为14岁的我曾经也是这样的，我希望我所有的一切都要做到最好：成绩、爱好、性格、外貌，都"不能输"。日记里一次次刻写"日臻完美"四个字。

My heart strongly resists these typical East Asian values—Why? Because I was just like this at 14, wanting to be the best at everything: grades, hobbies, personality, appearance, I "couldn't lose" at anything. I repeatedly wrote the words "strive for perfection" in my diary.

这扭曲的心并非"完美主义"四个字就能概括的：14岁的我，底气来自外物；这位20多岁的朋友目前也是。

This twisted mindset can't be summed up simply as "perfectionism": at 14, my confidence came from external things; the same is true for this friend in her twenties.

当听她说这些，我的抗拒实则来自隐忧与不安——我会不会又回到14岁那种痛苦里？这是潜意识内的问句，由经验与感受组成，不受理性控制。

When I hear her speak of these things, my resistance actually comes from hidden worries and unease—will I return to the pain I felt at 14? This is a subconscious question, formed from experience and feelings, beyond rational control.

理性上知道，这么多年过去，我早已不再是那个14岁的、执拗地给自己每件事都打三六九等的女孩了——现在的我即便敏感，但松弛、快乐、专注、勇敢、不再害怕。

Rationally, I know that after all these years, I'm no longer that 14-year-old girl who stubbornly ranked herself in everything—now, though still sensitive, I'm relaxed, happy, focused, brave, and no longer afraid.

变化是这8年一点点累积的：过松弛的生活、接受糟糕的我；了解神经可塑性，读心理学研究；朋友们的爱；开放地做各种尝试、习惯失败、关注"学到了什么"，所以拥有了一颗永远可以从零开始的感恩的自由的心。

These changes accumulated over 8 years: living a relaxed life, accepting my imperfect self; understanding neuroplasticity, reading psychology research; friends' love; openly trying various things, getting used to failure, focusing on "what did I learn"—thus developing a grateful and free heart that can always start anew.

但对自己最糟糕的抑郁态，我也会悄悄害怕吧？

But I still secretly fear my worst depressive states, don't I?

接触过最好的咨询师叫森森：善良、包容而温柔，最可贵的是平和而理性，擅于复盘和解决问题。

The best therapist I've met was called Sen Sen: kind, accepting, and gentle, but most precious was his peaceful and rational nature, skilled at reviewing and solving problems.

他对我说："平常心。或许有一天你不再害怕（抑郁）的时候，它就会好了。"

He told me: "Keep an ordinary mind. Perhaps one day when you're no longer afraid of (depression), it will get better."

17岁的我满腹怀疑："真的吗？我真的能做到吗……"

At 17, I was full of doubt: "Really? Can I really do it..."

森森老师沉吟了一下，"你现在面前的这个人，或许也曾经经历过重度抑郁呢。"

Sen Sen paused thoughtfully, "The person sitting in front of you now might have experienced severe depression."

经历尚浅浅的我一下被震住——他是多么优秀的咨询师啊，也经历了这些，也有弱点。

With my limited experience, I was stunned—such an excellent therapist had also gone through this, also had vulnerabilities.

现在的我，对自己的底气来源于"我到哪里、有多少钱、在什么位置，都会幸福"的决心——像余秀华的那句诗"我身体里的火车永远不会错轨，所以允许大雪，风暴，泥石流，和荒谬。"

Now, my confidence comes from the determination that "wherever I am, whatever money I have, whatever position I'm in, I will be happy"—like Yu Xiuhua's poem "The train inside me will never derail, so I allow the heavy snow, storms, mudslides, and absurdity."

可我要说：我身体里的火车会错轨，但我允许错轨，允许一切。

But I want to say: the train inside me will derail, and I allow it to derail, I allow everything.

这有方法论，但感性由经验构成，也只能由经验构成：所以，在日常的生活中练习幸福、实践自己喜欢的生活方式吧。

There's a methodology to this, but emotional understanding is formed by experience, and can only be formed by experience: so, practice happiness in daily life, live the way you like.

但永远要记住，不幸福也没关系——因为晴天雨天，都会过去。

But always remember, it's okay not to be happy—because sunny days and rainy days alike will pass.